Crash Course
by Nova-chan
Summary: Lina teaches Xelloss how to drive! AU, of course! This was an assignment for my creative writing class. Gods, I love that class!


Crash Course 

To give a brief history of Xelloss would be futile. There are so many twists, turns, and mysteries in his past that one could write an entire novel! But, this being a short story, I will keep the description to this: Xelloss is a demon who loves to cause chaos in the lives of those he chooses to contact.

Now, a time had come in which he would have to learn to drive a car. Lina Inverse (one of his favorite people to harass) had even offered to teach him, mostly because her triviality created the need for a chauffeur. To Lina's dismay, however, as soon as her eclectic group of friends heard about the demon's itch for road initiation, they were adamant about tagging along.

Amelia was a rich daughter of a political official. She wanted to encourage Xelloss and give him pointers as he learned to tear up the pavement. She had also prepared a modest (10 page) speech on road safety and traffic laws.

Gourry was not a very bright boy. He did, however, possess an expertise on fast food restaurant locations, and was determined to get Xelloss to stop at all of them. (Guys gotta eat!)

Zelgadis didn't want to go. In fact, he had made a very long list of things he would _rather_ do, such as ripping his eyeballs out with a needle. But, between Lina's headlocks, Amelia's speeches, and Gourry's nonsense, he had been forced to join them. He was determined, despite what anyone else had to say, that he would sit in the back, arms crossed, and listen to his headphones the whole time.

At last, the dreaded day was upon them. Lina owned a fire-red BMW. She herself had been known to spin a few donuts, and outrun a few cops, but she wasn't the absolute epitome of _chaos_ on the road!

She entered into the front, passenger side, so she would have at least some control. Xelloss scooted into the driver's seat, while the other three friends stuffed themselves into the backseat.

Xelloss cranked the car. He knew that much.

"Now, that's the brake, and that's the gas," Lina explained, pointing to each pedal. "What you do, is you shift into drive, which is this switch here—"

And Xelloss was off. He sped onto the busy street at 80 mph, and mounting.

Between Lina and the backseat, the screams were deafening:

"AAAAAHH!! XELLOSS!! XELLOSS!! TOO FAST!! TOO FAST!!!"  
  
"YOU JUST BROKE SEVENTEEN LAWS AT THAT INTERSECTION!!"  
  
"NO! DON'T HIT THE-squirrel."  
  
"FOR GODS' SAKES, SLOW DOWN!!!!"  
  
"I CAN'T GET MY SEATBELT ON!!!! HELP!!!"  
  
"YOU JUST HIT A MAILBOX!!!....AND A SHRUB!!....AND A TRASH CAN!!...AND A LAUNDRY BASKET!!"

"WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T HIT THAT OLD WOMAN!!....I SAID _DON'T_ HIT HER!!"

"PULL OVER AND LET ME OUT!!!"

In an effort to calm her friends, and her own heart, which was trying to break free of her chest, Lina grabbed the steering wheel, and forced him to pull over.

Amid the pants and vows that vomit was coming, Xelloss smiled his trademark grin. "That was fun!" he cried.

Once all the passengers had been assured and calmed, Lina gave Xelloss the go-ahead to pull back onto the street. "SLOWLY," she insisted.

Xelloss waved her off. "Driving is easy," he scoffed. "Although it would be _easier_ if you all wouldn't scream so much."

Xelloss delighted in the glares he received. Maybe driving could be a lot more fun than he thought. Suddenly, he dodged in between two cars, nearly hitting both of them. No one screamed, but they had been on the verge of it. He sped up like a maniac, and laughed like one too. Lina tried to gain control of the steering wheel again, but Xelloss kept swerving, and the small girl was tossed back and forth in her seat.

The car suddenly screeched to a stop, and everyone lurched forward, except for Xelloss.

"Xelloss....." Lina said, dazed. "Get out. I'm driving—"

"Ah, ah, ah," he teased her, waggling his finger. "It's still my turn!"

The car raced off again.

Amelia slowly reached for the driver's seat, forced backward by the speed the car was going. Finally, she grasped the seat and shook it. "Mr. Xelloss!!" she cried. "What you're doing is _illegal_!! You're _breaking_ the law!!"

Xelloss suddenly careened onto a one-way street, tossing Amelia across Zelgadis' lap.

Amelia blushed and quickly sat up. Everyone in the car knew of her crush on Zelgadis.

Zelgadis pretended he hadn't noticed, although he was blushing as well.

Lina was screaming at Xelloss, "This is a one-way street, you crazy fruitcake!! And you're going the _wrong way_!!" she emphasized, pointing dramatically at the oncoming traffic.

"Oh, my," Xelloss said, curtly. "Where will I go now?" A bright blue car was headed straight for them.

Gourry covered his eyes. Amelia was shouting her vote of confidence that Xelloss could get them to safety. Zelgadis knew that this was happening to him because of his bad karma. If only he hadn't stolen those cookies from that stupid girl scout....Lina was beating Xelloss on the shoulder, yelling and pleading for him to "DO SOMETHING!!!"

Xelloss smiled a cheery grin. Oh, the angst. Oh, the anger. It was delicious.

He swerved to safety just in time. The blonde driving the blue car swore and blew her horn furiously, making an obscene hand gesture.

Gourry said, still covering his eyes, "Can I look now?"

Amelia breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank-you, Mr. Xelloss."

Zelgadis rolled his eyes. "Stupid, over-dramatic demon......"

Lina hit Xelloss again for good measure. "Fruitcake."

Xelloss turned around to show off his cheery grin to the backseat, one of his hands resting on Lina's seat. "Wasn't that fun?" he asked in his typical manner.

Xelloss stared in confusion when he was met by three gaping mouths and three pairs of wide eyes.

"Xelloss," Lina whispered calmly.

He turned to face her. "Yes, Lina-dear?"

She didn't look at him. She stared straight ahead, pointing her shaking finger toward the front of the car.

Xelloss looked forward and blanched.

CRASH!!

They hit a mini-van full of girl scouts, head-on.

The mother driving the van stared in vengeful awe. She clambered out of her van, not even checking on her troupe of girl scouts, and beat a dazed Xelloss even more senseless, yelling, "Where'd you learn how to drive, you idiot??"

The girl scouts followed the mothers. Noticing Zelgadis hanging out the window, they began smacking him mercilessly with their berets. "Nobody get away with stealing cookies from us!!" they shouted.

"From now on," Lina said, dazedly, "I drive......"

Unanimous answers reached her as she hit Xelloss again. "Fruitcake....."


End file.
